


i'll do what i want

by liaf_sdrow



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Uhh gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:33:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22451167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liaf_sdrow/pseuds/liaf_sdrow
Summary: connor is fed up
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	1. connor sees a boy

as connor walked out of the principals office once again, the words the principal had said bounced in his head. "i don't want you to become a statistic." today had definitely not been the first day she had said that, and it probably would not be the last.

but connor was angry. because why should he care what his principal wants? what about what he wants? the principal doesnt want him to become a statistic; but her being his principal was one in a million. she wouldnt know him if he lived one mile over! all of this is so... unreal. everything is so changeable.

what does connor want? does he really want to kill himself? ... no. he doesnt. he just wants his life to be different. and then the cringiest thought pops into his head: "only i can make my life different."

god, connor hates things like that. but he knows it's true.

he's walking past classrooms and he's looking in, seeing all the people who somehow have their lives under control. they know what theyre doing. they know what they want to do. but connor doesnt want his life planned out.

and then, walking past a room, he sees a boy.

a beautiful, beautiful boy.


	2. omg they have a class together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> omggggggg lol this is a mess im sorry idc

connor peers through the door to look at the boy closer. he has soft blonde hair falling over his eyes and is wearing a blue polo shirt, which looks weirdly cute on him. if it was on anyone else he would barf, but this boy. hooooooooooooo doggy. he is cute.

he remembers he does have a class to be in. he forgot what it was though. he leans against the wall to look at his schedule on his phone. room 147. he looks up at the room numbers and it's... the one that the cute boy is in. oh. he has had this class like three times already this semester. how did he not notice this boy? he did sleep through most of them, though, so there's that. oh well.

connor walks into the room, his untied shoelaces clacking against the floor and clearly disrupting the lesson. everyone looks at him, including the boy. is he embarrassed? a little, but doesnt let it show. he's good at that.

he sits in a back row seat and gets out his computer to pretend to take notes. but really, he is just staring at the google homescreen, which he never customised, and trying to sneak quick glances at the boy. his legs are scrunched together, and his hands are folded in his lap. he looks up at the teacher sometimes, and only raises his hands from his lap to type something into his own computer.

what was connor thinking about before? that only he can make his life different. so right then, he makes it way more different. by finally opening up something besides google. well, it is google. gmail. all of the students in the school are programmed into the email. so he should be able to find this boy on there... except he doesnt know his name.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

he can wait until the teacher calls on the boy to find out his name. but that could take a long time. or he could ask the girl sitting next to him....

"hey, whats that kid's name?" he says to the girl next to him. its work time, so hes not interupting anything. and no one is even paying attention to them.

the girl looks over at connor. "uhmm, evan, i think?" she questions, and is obviously in shock that she is being asked this question. "evan... hansen?"

the boys ears redden. evan's ears. he has heard, but doesnt want to acknowledge it.

"k thanks man."

and he begins the email.


	3. hewwo email

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this fic is really stupid idk what im doing fhiudshgidf

"hewwo" is how connor starts the email. he's feeling very silly. and why not live life? hes going to die anyway. he types more. "i am connor murphy, you know me from me being a huge pothead. i think you are super cute and i like you. please do not be freaked out for i am living life. thank you and good night."

he sends that and waits. and if you did this, you might have butterflies. but not connor! he is kind of done giving a shit. if this guy responds, then he might be nice and they would be friends or more (wink) and if he doesnt be nice or respond then fuck him, there are many other boys. and-

AUGHDLASKJVHBSDIUDHEWUBVDFHUSYGYUFAUBSC HE RESPONDED??????!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!!!!!!?!?!?!??!??!????!??!??!!!??!?!?!?!??!

"hello connor. you ar a pothead. why do you like me stop it. i am freaked out. can i live life too? lol goodnight."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"evan, i am not a super huge pothead. i will not stop ur face is cute and i hope ur personality is too. stop being freaked out and live life with me."

connor is going to throw up. nope nope nope he does not care right?????? RIGHT???? sdfjadsghuiofydhgisudfhgidf yes he does he likes this boy. "live life with me" the fuck is he saying????? noo-

!!!!!!!!!!!!

"connor, i believe you. you are the first to ever say that so thanks i guess. i cant stop anxiety KEEPS ME AWAKE AT NIIIIIIIGHT 🎶 i kinda wanna live life with you but idk what life is also people are scary"

gdfhduishfoiashgiuoerhovyubouogfuydsgcuayeubro boys

rang rang rang goes the bell. evan packs up. connor goes over to him. the room is soon empty and the halls are loud.

"you want to live life?" connor asks. "you want to right now?" he holds out his hand to evan.

evan takes it.


	4. they do what they want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> omg more fiudshgfiuHAGSIUGDFURaidfh lmao i feel like im on crack

they walk out of the building, hand in hand, leaving both their bags in the classroom. they run out of the building and no one gives a single shit. then they climb in connors car after running in the snow slush to it. connor hops in the drivers seat to drive and evan hops in next to him. and they drive off. where do they go??

just around. they talk. they find a bigger park to walk in the forests of. they both have sweatshirts, but evan is easily cold so connor offers his over. their hands find the others again as the grey sky appears above them and below them in the pubbles.

"how are you so, just, like, impulsive?" evan asks.

"i wanted you so i went for it. if you denied me i would be like i shit my shot, now i go, and if you did want me, then yeehaw. its better than hemming and hawwing over things you want." he was looking at the sky the entire time. then he looks down when evan stops walking and it feels like their souls are connecting.

"then im going to shit my shot." evan says this so quietly that connor didnt hear him except his soul knows. his soul knows.

WOWWOWWOWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOW

connor has those skinny bitch lips and evan has the thicky nicki lips. its a perfect match. they fit right together and they never want to leave.

then they keep walking, evan talking about the trees and connor dutifully listening.

when they get back to the car. evan smiles. connor smiles. and they kiss over the console like in their DREAMS. is this a dream?


	5. ooooops we went to dah baffoomm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they run away again lol im sorry about this

they get to school the next day, connor picked evan up, and as they walk in there is suddenly a wall of staff staring them in the face.

"where did you go yesterday young men?" all of them seem to ask at once.

evan falls to the floor, because hes fainted. connor just stands there, not sure if he should help evan or scream at the people. he decides to go down by evan and stroke his back and glare at the teachers and oh look its the principal staring them down.

"your words really got to me, principal. i decided i dont want to be a statistic. i want to live my life. so i did! i had fun with this cute boy and i loved it so fuck you!" connor is screaming by the end. principal bursts into tears because thats not what she wanted from connor. but connor dont care! a couple of teachers go to support her, and thats when evan opens his eyes and connor picks him up and cradles him like a baby and takes him away. where are they going? they are going to the backroom on the third floor no one uses. teachers try to follow them but they get lost in the crowd until the third floor where not a lot of people are. they go into the bathroom, which is the only gender neutral zone. as the door opens they hear some voices (by now evan can walk by himself, he is still a little out of it). the voices are coming from the handicapped stall where about a dozen people are.

"oh." one boy says. "hello."


	6. the bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dfhasiughadfiuhgufidhgifudshgidfbosiuf its this

everyone was staring at each other. connor and evan were looking at the kids in the stalls, who looked like they were sophomores or juniors mostly. some people connor recognized and some he didnt. there was a girl who had a shaved head and eyeliner, and there was girl next to her, who connor thought he recognized, lily, maybe? lily had long flowing hair and a dead look in her eyes. a boy who sat on the toilet looked like he was in charge. he was the one who said hello. his hair was shoulder length and his nose was long. he looked like he could and would fuck someone up. he was like connor but blonde. and a little more socialized. and there was another guy sitting in the corner who had a mohawk, except it was big and spiky and dyed green. connor recognized him. and there were others, all of them looking a little lost and angry and dead inside.

"uh.." connor started. they were all staring back at him. "hello."

the guy on the toilet stood up and walked around other people to get to connor. "my name is tyrone. and you are connor fucking murphy. what brings you here?"

"i... we skipped school yesterday and now the principal tried to go after us but then i made her cry and i knew to go here because i thought no one ever went here." connor was staring into tyrone's eyes as he spoke, and his eyes were blue and vibrant and drilled right back into connors.

"cool." tyrone's eyes broke away. "stay if you want." then some people started giggling and then chatter broke out. lily, the dead eyed girl, and the shaved head girl started talking and looking at connor and evan. tyrone went to sit down by some other angry looking punks and the guy with the mohawk started crying.

"umm..." connor said, looking at evan. "what should we do?" it was quiet, almost a whisper, a murmur.

"i kinda like it here." evan says. "also, im scared to go outside." he nods to the door.

"okay," connor says, hugging evan. "we'll stay."

they walk over to tyrone and ask "what even is this?"

tyrone smiles. "we are the losers."

and thats thr first time the guy with the mohawk smiles.


	7. money sucks dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hope you like this piece of trash fic

they sat down on the floor and looked at some of the kids. then the shaved head girl came over and sat down next to them.

"hey," she said, "i'm naomi."

connor nodded. "connor. this is evan." evan waved.

"so." naomi leaned over to with her hands cupping her chin. "what do you guys... think of money?"

that was not a question connor was expecting. "um..."

"it fucking sucks." evan blurted. "i mean, you need it survive except the ones who actually have it are holding it from you." he looks so sad and embarrassed, because now the entire group is looking at him. "i dont believe human nature is naturally kind, although we can't really know what people in the beginning of life did. but i think we should ust be nice to people. and that people should do nice things for other people, not because they know they will get money or anything like that, but because they just want to be nice."

a few seconds of silence, then tyrone says "exactly. thats what we're doing here."

then everyone chimes in with a "yeah!" or "exactly!" or "lets do it!" connor and evan are confused.

"so how do we do this?" naomi asks.

people start getting to work as tyrone calls out things for people to do. some people are working on finding land to consume, some are working on marketing the idea and getting other people involved, and another group is focused on what people are good at and what they can do for other people. there are about three people in each group. then tyrone and naomi take connor and evan into a seperate stall.

"we have to figure everything out before we even get started." naomi says, pulling out a computer. tyrone nods and pulls out a notebook.

"we're actually doing this?" asks connor. he is bewildered, not that he doesn't want to, but he is hesitant.

tyrone and naomi look at him like he's crazy. "of course."

"now, how will this work?" asks evan.


	8. eight fucking months

soon there is a map on the wall of the entire world, and red circles over land this is not yet inhabited. there's a list of people's abilities on the wall. and the new email and social media that has been set up for this mission has already gained attention, with people interested. connor and evan are completely confuzzled. but they are also happy to see this work going underway.

the bathroom looked like this: you walked in the door and there was a little cement wall to block the view of anyone who accidentally looked in. after the wall there was a communal sink and a mirror, and a blow dryer next to it. there was also a paper towel dispenser. there are four small stalls, which are basically just offices if you need one. and then the big stall, the meeting room. and you just sit whereever you need to! the map with the circles is over the mirror, and the papers are surrounding them.

everyone is so dedicated. its so amazing to see. but now connor, evan, tyrone, and naomi are in the big stall having a little meeting. tyrone and naomi have already thought up a shit ton of questions.

"how is this new place going to work?" naomi asks.

"well, obviously, everyone is going to be nice to each other." says connor.

"yeah, and when we have, like," evan starts, "specific people to do specific things. like someone who knows how to help people when theyre sick, and someone who does foreign affairs things and can get stuff for us like wifi or something. and then like builders for houses and farmers and things."

"no form of currency." says connor. "because then that defeats the purpose. and i think we should have a democracy in case anything gets mixed up. with arguments or things."

"and respect for everyone." evan says.

tyrone and naomi are typing all of this. "perfect, perfect. now we should have a date to get this done. so we know we are going to do this."

a girl peeks over the stall wall. she must be standing on the toilet. she has a pixie cut and beautiful makeup on. she was in the marketing group. "i want my baby to be born in our new place."

connor and evan are shocked, but naomi and tyrone are pretty calm. "when are you due?"

"eight months."


	9. ohh now theyre outside lol

cries of "you're pregnant?" "oh my god!" "im so happy for you!" "i hope its a girl!" "whose is it?" ring around the room. finally naomi makes them shut up.

"yall, shut the fuck up!" she yells, standing on a toilet. "let mixie speak!"

the girl, apparently named mixie, started talking. "yes, i am pregnant. and. the baby is... well, it's bryan's."

all eyes turned to another boy sitting under the sink, who had put his head in his hands. "bryan!" "oooh, get it!" and "whaaaaaat?" circled around the room.

"okay, well, that's a thing." tyrone said. "okay then, we have eight months."

"you're actually going along with that?" "what?" "what the fuck, tyrone!?"

"okay, we need to get to work if this is actually going to happen." naomi cried out over everyone. "everyone focus on what land to get, and in an hour we will discuss which one will be best! right now it's 10! meet in the big stall at 11!"

"it's only been 2 hours since we showed up?" connor asks. "wow."

"yeah, i know." evan says.

"hey, you wanna get away from all this for a bit?" connor asks again, looking at evan with a smirk.

"yeah..." evan is blushing. "let's go."

so they step out into the hall. and literally no one is up here. this floor has been abandoned for years. connor sits down where a door to an old classroom is, and evan stands before him. connor is feeling a little needy, so he puts his hands up and does that "gimme gimme" motion that you do. so evan puts his hands in connor's and lets connor pull him down. evan ends up sitting very very close to connor, with his legs over connor's. their hands are intertwined and evan's head rests on connor's shoulder.

"have you ever had a boyfriend before?" connor asks.

evan lifts his head to look at connor and asked "is that... what we are?"

connor lifted his arm from evan's shoulders to rest his hand on his back. "i dont know. its been only one fucking day, but it's what i want. how do you feel about it?"

evan smiled and put his head back on connor's shoulder. "yeah. thats good."

"good." connor's hand is stroking evan's.

a couple minutes later, evan mutters "and no. i havent had a boyfriend before."

"yeah." says connor. "me either." and he squeezes evan just slightly, and evan cuddles even closer.

after ten minutes, connor's butt is starting to slide down and soon connor is lying down and evan is on top of him. evan's head is resting on connor's chest and connor's hands are dancing in evan's hair. evan is comfortable, but he looks up at connor for a little bit, and that gaze is so strong and amazing that connor has to lean in, and evan pushs himself up to catch connor's lips. they stay like that for a good, wonderful while, and then connor pulls away, and evan settles in the crook of connor's neck, kissing it now and again. connor's hands go back to rubbing evan's back.

"hey, fuckwads!" it's naomi. "oh i see its boner central around here. well get your asses in here!"

they get up because theyre afraid naomi will fucking kill them.


	10. bratz doll shrine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they get inside and weird shit happens

connor and evan went back into the bathroom. there was a chart up on the wall that connor hadn't recognized before. on the top it said "percentage of success", and under there was one column for whatever they were assessing and the other column for what percentage. below, in a shoe box, seemed to be what was a bratz doll shrine.

"uh..." connor said. "what the fuck is this?" he bent down to touch a doll down there, but before he could, naomi screamed "DONT TOUCH IT" and slapped connor's hand away.

"oh my god." naomi uttered after connor backed away, his hands in the air. "okay, i dont blame you for this because you didnt know, but this is our bratz love calculator shrine." she looked at the boys, both stunned, with a straight face. "i know it sounds silly, but that app is literally our rock." she starts to smile. "you think we might be crazy for just going ahead and doing this thing, but that love calculator gave us an 89% chance that this mission will go through." she pointed to the chart. "it's the last one we did.

"we base everything around this calculator. every desicion we have to make goes through the love calculator. we do it with people who are dating to see how soon they will break up, if they will last, things like that. and when we're doing missions, everything goes through there. when we need anything we just have to phrase it correctly."

a girl stepped forward. she had blonde hair put up in a ponytail. "there's a 74% chance that mixie will have her baby on this island thing." she looks down at her phone. "and luckily, there is a 69% chance that we will actually find land to inhabit." she looks up and winks. "that's the bratz calculator way of saying it will totally for sure happen."

naomi rolls her eyes. "i hate it, but amanda is right." ok so this blonde ponytail girl is amanda. cool, cool, connor thinks.


	11. songs with connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk

This is for the lions living in the wiry broke down frames  
Of my friends bodies  
When the flood water comes, it ain't gonna be clear  
It's gonna look like mud

But I will help you swim  
I will help you swim  
I'm gonna help you swim

This is for the snakes and the people they bite  
For the friends I've made, for the sleepless nights  
For the warning signs I've completely ignored  
There's an amount to take, reasons to take more

It's no big surprise you turned out this way  
When they close their eyes and prayed you would change  
And they cut your hair, and sent you away  
You stopped by my house the night you escaped  
With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay  
You said, "Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way!"

I'm sure that we could find something for you to do on stage  
Maybe shake a tambourine or when I sing, you sing harmonies

This is for the lake that me and my friends swim in  
Naked and dumb on a drunken night  
But it should've felt good, but I can hear the Jaws theme song  
On repeat in the back of my mind  
Make sure you kiss your knuckles before you punch me in the face  
There are lessons to be learned  
Consequences for all the stupid things I say  
And it is no big surprise you turned out this way  
The spark in your eyes, The look on your face  
I will not be late

I'm sure that we could find something for you to do on stage  
Maybe shake a tambourine or when I sing, you sing harmonies

I wanna contribute to the chaos  
I don't wanna watch and then complain  
'Cause I am through finding blame  
That is the decision that I have made

She hopes I'm cursed forever to  
Sleep on a twin-sized mattress  
In somebody's attic or basement my whole life  
Never graduating up in size to add another  
And my nightmares will have nightmares every night  
Oh, every night, every night

connor wants to SCREAM. he's in bed. staring at his ceiling. a whole worl he has imagined in his head in the course of four minutes. he's going to CRY.

LET IT FUCKING FALL he screams in his head. but his head is dry. and he drifts off to sleep.

then he wakes up, and flips over, and evan is next to him. what was a dream? what is real? what is fake?

"hey," evan says. he sits up and smiles, then leans down to kiss connor.

"what has happened?" connor asks.

somehow evan knows what he means. "we had a joint dream. had those before?" he snuggles closer to connor.

"no..." he puts his arms around evan. "what's real?"

"the part where we went to school and with the land and pregnancy and the bathroom and everything." evan starts. "i dont know if you remember everything that happened. but what i said in the hallway was true."

"i remember." connor settles down into the bed again. evan comes even closer, his hands smoothing out connor's shirt.

"how did we get into this bed?"

"it's only been a day connor." evan says smiling. "i slept over."

"oh. sorry."

now connor has a clear picture. he kisses evan. evan kisses back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this whole story is bullshit idk


End file.
